ARIES – You are RAM-bunctious (pun so obviously intended), but also a natural born leader and that’s good news on the career front. Maybe try to aim less for the Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis route though when it comes to those passive-aggressive coworkers. Speaking of sensitive, you find those Cancers are annoying as hell so when the next one gets under your skin, it might be love. Or disgust.
Aries your song is “Run Run Run” by Velvet Underground
TAURUS – Self-possession is not a good look on you. It’s okay to admit to being cowardly and the stars are in your favor, as you might get your chance around Easter time this year. How do you spell abstinence again?
Taurus your song is “Possessed” by Eagulls
GEMINI – Murder is coming your way. Might not be of the human variety, but it’ll get you to stop clamoring at the spotlight for the first time. It’ll be a lesson in trustfalls and compromise. Call your mom.
Gemini your song is “Country Death Song” by Violent Femmes
CANCER – You’re not going to win the lottery this year. But you might find expired CVS coupons from last winter in your coat pocket. Looks like you’ll have to pay full price for those Camel Lights—oh, wait.
Cancer your song is “Winter Fields” by Bat for Lashes
LEO – Love is in the air and so are birds. They say eyes are the windows to a person’s soul, but you’ll only have one window after a flying demon poops on the other. Tepid water should do the trick—good luck wandering around and finding it.
Leo your song is “Look Into My Eyes” by Janelle Monáe
VIRGO – Your friends tell you to wander down that dark alley alone and you should listen. Judi Dench, or another similar wizened former MI6 operative, is going to advise you to get down at some point. Could pertain to being more agreeable and spontaneous, or more simply about avoiding faulty overhead construction.
Virgo your song is “Lost Boys & Girls Club” by Dum Dum Girls
LIBRA – An unspeakable tragedy is set to occur this annual cycle. That crunch sound you hear over the chewing is not of caramelized nuts. Remember that dignity is relative and means something different to everyone.
Libra your song is “One Day” by Future Islands
SCORPIO – There’s a full moon this month, which means you better be careful when you get up from the ocean floor. That mini tidal wave might have swept away your bikini bottoms/swim trunks and you’re surrounded by children on a class trip. Love thy neighbor karma tokens will come in handy at this moment.
Scorpio your song is “Oceans & Streams” by The Black Keys
SAGITTARIUS – Look into your heart to make that decision of whether or not your roommate is actually out to get you. If you feel s(he) is destined to be this generation’s Hannibal and currently in the dress rehearsal stages, then it’s time to make like someone who is not Clarice and skidaddle.
Sagittarius your song is “Brutal Hearts” by Bedouin Soundclash ft. Coeur de Pirate
CAPRICORN – Take the reins and be in control of your destiny by not waiting two hours on line for the new reindeer burger sparkling with gold flecks. A Hot Pocket is waiting for you at home, as will a backed up toilet shortly thereafter. Fighting is futile.
Capricorn your song is “Black and Studs” by Potty Mouth
AQUARIUS – Old people and small children don’t like you. Stop being such a toolbox and learn to fake it. Schadenfreude is great for watching people trip and fall, but make it less obvious. The faking applies to romantic longevity too. At least some parts of it.
Aquarius your song is “I’m Aquarius” by Metronomy
PISCES – This Indian Summer, you will think the stars and planets are aligned for you, but it’s really a dizzy spell. The number of people splayed out at McCarren Park is too much to bear. Oh, the possible combinations of human constellation patterns you can make with your eyes. Adventure awaits you in a land where no one understands you vis-à-vis a family reunion at your parent’s.
Pisces your song is “Deadbeat Summer” by Neon Indian
Artwork by Kirsten Pincket http://kirstenpincket.com/
