Graphic by Julia Fletcher, find more of her work here.
When my depression was at its worst, the last thing I wanted to do was leave my house. I would wander outside in the Wintertime, bundled beneath layers of black, desperate not to be noticed. The summer was actually worse because on some very human, biological level I really really wanted to go outside. At that time, I didn’t do much other than sitting alone at home, listening to music.
The soundtrack to my depression had a lot of The Bravery, The Airborne Toxic Event, and for some reason, Alexi Murdoch. If you were to take a snapshot of my mindset at the time, I guess you could say that there was some hope painted in among all that anger. I can’t imagine why else I would be drawn to “Orange Sky” the way I was.
It was a painful, and lonely time in my life, one I was happy to be rid of. Unfortunately, now that we are in an imposed quarantine, it has gotten difficult to not fall back into that same pattern. You get used to waking up later and later, and even though you have more time on your hands than you know what to do with, you decide, instead of engaging in hobbies and calling your family, you’re just going to lay there. And what is the point in eating, or showering, or cleaning your house? What is the point in anything?
Once you get to that point, it becomes increasingly difficult to pull yourself out of it. But, people are still trying. You see them all over social media, finding new, creative ways to find connections with other people. And more and more, I have been seeing people have dance parties. Singing songs on Tick Tock, Disney music, and dance challenges. I have been doing some of these things myself.
Usually, when I am feeling sad, I find myself wanting to feel even sadder. I play sad music, and I let myself cry. And that can be helpful, as long as it doesn’t become all that you do. These days, having a bit more knowledge about my own experiences with depression, I have been almost forcing myself to play the music that I know I associate with good memories. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.
But, for me, when I hear “Little Secrets” by Passion Pit, it reminds me of warm sunny, Summer days when I was younger, and my biggest problems seem so much smaller than the ones I have now. And, “It’s Time” by Imagine Dragons, the song that has always made me feel hopeful even when I am not.
And then, Kesha, the music that has made me want to dance since I was ten years younger than I am now. These are just songs that make me happy. Everyone has their own. But in this time when everyone is trying to find commonality between them, connection when they are far away from friends and loved ones, as usual, it seems that one of the things that bring us together, that always brings us together, is music.
